On average, I fall in love at least 10 times a day. One might assume that falling in love that often is absurd. It is. One might also assume it would be exhausting. Most def. In reality, the falling part isn’t all that tiring, it’s quite the opposite. Every time a stranger smiles at me, I become instantly flush, giddy, and bug-eyed with enthusiasm! Then my enthusiasm is typically met with broken eye-contact and regret from the recipient.
Rejection is exhausting.
I once had an English teacher tell me that I should feel empowered by rejection! Like, what? He said that, “rejection is a conclusion, which is something we so rarely get in this life. Feel empowered because you took a chance, you put yourself out there and got an answer. It might not have been the answer you were hoping for but you got one, and that’s something!”
I suppose he’s kind of right. We so often get nothing at all, especially in the modern dating world. From ghosting, to thinly veiled “u up?” texts, we’re all swimming in an endless sea of weird emotional ambiguity. The deepest and darkest of these waters lie in online dating. I mean, Tinder alone has given me nightmares. But really. I’ve seen more dead animals in the last couple months, than I ever anticipated seeing in my entire life! I saw one man who had a normal enough opening photo, just him like standing in a field. Then his next photo was him in a nice suit, followed up by his final photo which was him taking a selfie holding a bunch of knives in front of his face! That’s obviously a murderer, right?
Okay, I am aware that Tinder is not the most respectable place to go looking for love. I should have expected frightening creatures from the deep to appear with any given swipe, but love exists even in the darkest abyss. How rude is that? I know several fantastic people who have found love on Tinder. That fact is what enticed me to try it, but these people are the exceptions to the rule. The rule being that most people are the worst. Knowing this, I still ventured into other online dating pools, and unsurprisingly have exclusively found variations on the theme of gross. Next up was Bumble, which is very progressive in that women have to start the conversation! Finally, someone had the wild idea that women have a power of will!
Do you want to know my opening line? Yeah you do, it’s: “What’s your jam? Mine is space.”
Do you get it? I think it’s pretty good. In the rare case you don’t, I really love Space Jam. In the even rarer case you don’t know what Space Jam is, it’s a beautiful film starring basketball legend Michael Jordan, and the Looney Tunes. They join forces to defeat a group of evil aliens in a wacky basketball game, and Bill Murray is there too. So, yeah, it’s a strong opening line. It tells you what my priorities are in life, which are obviously comedy and great artistic works. It also sets up the opportunity for a riveting discussion. Most of the time I didn’t get a reply back. When I did, the answer was almost always: strawberry.
Finally, I waded into the waters of OkCupid. I was told this is where you went if you were serious about dating. Right off the bat, I was intimidated. You have to write essays and answer a ton of questions about yourself, and what you think your ideal partner would be like. Doing all that helped me figure out that my ideal partner would most likely not be using a dating site. They would be alone in their home watching Wes Anderson films, and journaling with their dog. Really, my ideal partner is Elijah Wood. Once I figured that out I decided to just throw caution to the wind, and put it all out there. I came up with a new goal. I was going to try and get catfished so I could be on that MTV show. I thought it was a pretty solid idea, and right away I met the perfect guy! After only a few hours with my interest parameters set to anywhere, and down for anything, a grade A cutie slid into my messages. His name was Kyle. He was a 23 years old currently living in L.A., but was originally from New Zealand. Then, to top it all off, he worked for SpaceX. Yeah, like that SpaceX! Jackpot, right? He even had an interesting opening line! Well, it was more like a little paragraph. His first message to me was, “I could comment on your looks, because I find you absolutely beautiful, but that’s too easy. I’d rather comment on the fact that you seem like a really interesting person. You’ve lived a storied life, haven’t you?”
I was hooked. Day 1 we sent over a hundred messages back and forth before we finally upgraded to phone conversation on Day 2. His accent alone made me forget how entirely impractical a relationship would be. To top it all off, he was funny. Not nearly as funny as me, but still, pretty funny! On Day 3 we decided to have a Skype date, which was surprising at first, but I’ve seen every episode of Catfish and have learned that someone can look like their picture and still lie about everything else. So I remained cautious and prepared for disappointment. When that light blue screen faded into the man I’d been staring at in pictures for days, my brain fully tapped out. Basic sentence structure was long gone. At first I just giggled a lot and made vaguely affirming noises in response to his questions about which movie we should watch. I finally got it together enough to suggest we watch The Incredible Jessica James. I thought it was a good choice because it’s about a dope queen who dates a cute man with a fun accent, and that seemed too relevant to pass up.
We had a great time, and made plans to do it again the next day. I even found out that he really did work for SpaceX, his picture and bio were on their website. He was exactly who he said he was. Now, this is the part of the story when reality finally sets in. My brain got around to letting my heart know that this relationship wasn’t sustainable. On Day 4 he offered to fly across the country to hangout for the weekend.
That hella freaked me out.
In my opinion, I think I was justified in my reaction, but he didn’t feel the same way. His reaction was very similar to other guys I’ve said no to. He got mean. He brought up my weight, and said that I should feel grateful that he would even be interested in me. I hope you find that shocking, and aren’t like me, who is used to that experience. Though I may be used to it, I know it’s some straight bullshit. I’m a dope ass queen he was lucky to know, and now I’ve learned some things too.
I cast my net too wide, got tangled, and now I’m here.
Still very much alone.
Don’t get me wrong, I know that everyone will not find me to be a catch and a half. I’m a confident, loud, funny fat girl, and that can cause some people to quake in there lil’ fishing boots. I suppose it’s for the best, really. If I was admired as much as I admire, my heart would implode. At least with rejection, you bounce back, catch another smile, and do it all again. It’s not all that hard when you know you’ve got, at minimum, another 9 opportunities today.